When I was a junior high school a year I.Time out to stay home cousin, several years have passed.Cousins, the growth is very good. In the fifth grade at that time, there was C ~ D cup.That my father, have a sexual contact to cousins, I was vaguely aware.But I own that is utmost, had rejected the involvement of more than that.
It. If the.Cousin is, from this scene of sexual abuse, if it may cause some action.I did because I wanted to look at it.It is also my own. There was also a hope from the scope of sexual violence, that it may Nukedaseru, of a kind.So, I'm a long time. And probably not something that is a cousin to my father, even though the feeling is.As it was allowed to stand.
Several months, time has passed.I was a junior high school grade. Cousin, was in fifth grade elementary school.To my room, I came to visit in the evening."My uncle chan, even though the chest or occur even when sleeping, help comes from the touch" and. Beso in half.I, and cold? "Not my imagination," I said.Until his father, and he has been sexually abused little girl, I absolutely did not want to.More than this, do not afflict me! Both, in the back of mind was screaming so.
And was unable to stop in this little cousin, but is not limited to anger, to come boiling.To people, Do not rely on easy! White on your own! And,,,,,,,,,Cousins, we went back to his room.I, my own anger and was tormented by self-hatred. Nausea did not stop.To themselves, could not also be copper, raise hatred.To self-injurious behavior, hands and feet were hurt with a razor.Was chopped, again and again.Muscle is drawn in red, with beautiful somewhere. Blood is red and I Yappari,,,Pain come in a little late, somewhere comfortable.As intoxicated with the pain of that, he did not stop, that the slash.
But, one day.There is a chance to speak are making the same wound, and one of the entourage of the sister of a girl rated No. 3 grade.The moment I saw their wounds. Notice to the worst of themselves.Was discarded, and the razor. , No matter how ugly yourself what seemed to be confronted by.
The cousin, it was decided to leave the house.To my father, "after you if you told us (my name) ○ ○ ○, this thing, if that happens! Not since I become a discrete family,! Not because the results of you," and had been threatened is so.Cousin, the end I worried about. Seemed to have decided to come back to one's parents' home.But a few months later that. I came back home.If I'm in the home, is absolutely disordered life, and because it becomes sloppy,,,I thought in my mind.Was a chance to be free,,,There is a place to go home to my parents away at any time, come back, why? And,,,
I, however. There was no way it is painful heart.(Cousin), the only father will you? And,,,I, grandfather and uncle,,,To your father and brother, are suppressed, I was taken off the underwear! And,,,The brother of you, I have come into the bath time and again! And,,,People and do not know man, the boys come to take care of the pigeons of father,,,The craftsmen of our dining room, I've been touched by the still body on a daily basis! And,,,And anger, Sonemi,,, envy,,, to this little girl, but you do not hit that was utmost.So, we did not have that until they go out into the world, heard the little mouth.
· · · · · I think becoming an adult · · · · · · · ·
Will not always be taken up first thing, my name, why? And was to say.I do not want to stay in the center. I do not want to see involved, nothing.Do not want to be a hot topic. And want to leave them alone,,,Always, the heart is painful, not stay folded. However, eating suspended, there was no way.
I was not able to raise to help cousin.That will help a cousin, and would be to condemn the father, since it was aware of that.Also that he is, we have been my grandfather, they exposed since it was very scary.That is what, what? What in the wind, when, and I have been? Or,,,Can be heard, because I was scared so.And it with? "Why only my grandfather," is heard, was very scared,,,
Father and cousin (20071018)
When I was a junior high school a year I.
Time out to stay home cousin, several years have passed.Cousins, the growth is very good. In the fifth grade at that time, there was C ~ D cup.That my father, have a sexual contact to cousins, I was vaguely aware.But I own that is utmost, had rejected the involvement of more than that.
It. If the.Cousin is, from this scene of sexual abuse, if it may cause some action.I did because I wanted to look at it.It is also my own. There was also a hope from the scope of sexual violence, that it may Nukedaseru, of a kind.So, I'm a long time. And probably not something that is a cousin to my father, even though the feeling is.As it was allowed to stand.
Several months, time has passed.I was a junior high school grade. Cousin, was in fifth grade elementary school.To my room, I came to visit in the evening."My uncle chan, even though the chest or occur even when sleeping, help comes from the touch" and. Beso in half.I, and cold? "Not my imagination," I said.Until his father, and he has been sexually abused little girl, I absolutely did not want to.More than this, do not afflict me! Both, in the back of mind was screaming so.
And was unable to stop in this little cousin, but is not limited to anger, to come boiling.To people, Do not rely on easy! White on your own! And,,,,,,,,,Cousins, we went back to his room.I, my own anger and was tormented by self-hatred. Nausea did not stop.To themselves, could not also be copper, raise hatred.To self-injurious behavior, hands and feet were hurt with a razor.Was chopped, again and again.Muscle is drawn in red, with beautiful somewhere. Blood is red and I Yappari,,,Pain come in a little late, somewhere comfortable.As intoxicated with the pain of that, he did not stop, that the slash.
But, one day.There is a chance to speak are making the same wound, and one of the entourage of the sister of a girl rated No. 3 grade.The moment I saw their wounds. Notice to the worst of themselves.Was discarded, and the razor. , No matter how ugly yourself what seemed to be confronted by.
The cousin, it was decided to leave the house.To my father, "after you if you told us (my name) ○ ○ ○, this thing, if that happens! Not since I become a discrete family,! Not because the results of you," and had been threatened is so.Cousin, the end I worried about. Seemed to have decided to come back to one's parents' home.But a few months later that. I came back home.If I'm in the home, is absolutely disordered life, and because it becomes sloppy,,,I thought in my mind.Was a chance to be free,,,There is a place to go home to my parents away at any time, come back, why? And,,,
I, however. There was no way it is painful heart.(Cousin), the only father will you? And,,,I, grandfather and uncle,,,To your father and brother, are suppressed, I was taken off the underwear! And,,,The brother of you, I have come into the bath time and again! And,,,People and do not know man, the boys come to take care of the pigeons of father,,,The craftsmen of our dining room, I've been touched by the still body on a daily basis! And,,,And anger, Sonemi,,, envy,,, to this little girl, but you do not hit that was utmost.So, we did not have that until they go out into the world, heard the little mouth.
· · · · · I think becoming an adult · · · · · · · ·
Will not always be taken up first thing, my name, why? And was to say.I do not want to stay in the center. I do not want to see involved, nothing.Do not want to be a hot topic. And want to leave them alone,,,Always, the heart is painful, not stay folded. However, eating suspended, there was no way.
I was not able to raise to help cousin.That will help a cousin, and would be to condemn the father, since it was aware of that.Also that he is, we have been my grandfather, they exposed since it was very scary.That is what, what? What in the wind, when, and I have been? Or,,,Can be heard, because I was scared so.And it with? "Why only my grandfather," is heard, was very scared,,,
"Why? I did not ask for help," and,, I was looking for,,, much,,,However, did not reach,,,"Together, apologize and beg," and, if the affection of mother Rarere show for the first time, I did not say more than that,,,If I did not like admonished "that much, Even Jiji? Would not do anything, there 's man," and also sought help from dad for the first time, be remonstrance, not only to pretend anything.
When I was a junior high school a year I.
Time out to stay home cousin, several years have passed.Cousins, the growth is very good. In the fifth grade at that time, there was C ~ D cup.That my father, have a sexual contact to cousins, I was vaguely aware.But I own that is utmost, had rejected the involvement of more than that.
It. If the.Cousin is, from this scene of sexual abuse, if it may cause some action.I did because I wanted to look at it.It is also my own. There was also a hope from the scope of sexual violence, that it may Nukedaseru, of a kind.So, I'm a long time. And probably not something that is a cousin to my father, even though the feeling is.As it was allowed to stand.
Several months, time has passed.I was a junior high school grade. Cousin, was in fifth grade elementary school.To my room, I came to visit in the evening."My uncle chan, even though the chest or occur even when sleeping, help comes from the touch" and. Beso in half.I, and cold? "Not my imagination," I said.Until his father, and he has been sexually abused little girl, I absolutely did not want to.More than this, do not afflict me! Both, in the back of mind was screaming so.
And was unable to stop in this little cousin, but is not limited to anger, to come boiling.To people, Do not rely on easy! White on your own! And,,,,,,,,,Cousins, we went back to his room.I, my own anger and was tormented by self-hatred. Nausea did not stop.To themselves, could not also be copper, raise hatred.To self-injurious behavior, hands and feet were hurt with a razor.Was chopped, again and again.Muscle is drawn in red, with beautiful somewhere. Blood is red and I Yappari,,,Pain come in a little late, somewhere comfortable.As intoxicated with the pain of that, he did not stop, that the slash.
But, one day.There is a chance to speak are making the same wound, and one of the entourage of the sister of a girl rated No. 3 grade.The moment I saw their wounds. Notice to the worst of themselves.Was discarded, and the razor. , No matter how ugly yourself what seemed to be confronted by.
The cousin, it was decided to leave the house.To my father, "after you if you told us (my name) ○ ○ ○, this thing, if that happens! Not since I become a discrete family,! Not because the results of you," and had been threatened is so.Cousin, the end I worried about. Seemed to have decided to come back to one's parents' home.But a few months later that. I came back home.If I'm in the home, is absolutely disordered life, and because it becomes sloppy,,,I thought in my mind.Was a chance to be free,,,There is a place to go home to my parents away at any time, come back, why? And,,,
I, however. There was no way it is painful heart.(Cousin), the only father will you? And,,,I, grandfather and uncle,,,To your father and brother, are suppressed, I was taken off the underwear! And,,,The brother of you, I have come into the bath time and again! And,,,People and do not know man, the boys come to take care of the pigeons of father,,,The craftsmen of our dining room, I've been touched by the still body on a daily basis! And,,,And anger, Sonemi,,, envy,,, to this little girl, but you do not hit that was utmost.So, we did not have that until they go out into the world, heard the little mouth.
· · · · · I think becoming an adult · · · · · · · ·
Will not always be taken up first thing, my name, why? And was to say.I do not want to stay in the center. I do not want to see involved, nothing.Do not want to be a hot topic. And want to leave them alone,,,Always, the heart is painful, not stay folded. However, eating suspended, there was no way.
I was not able to raise to help cousin.That will help a cousin, and would be to condemn the father, since it was aware of that.Also that he is, we have been my grandfather, they exposed since it was very scary.That is what, what? What in the wind, when, and I have been? Or,,,Can be heard, because I was scared so.And it with? "Why only my grandfather," is heard, was very scared,,,
"Why? I did not ask for help," and,, I was looking for,,, much,,,However, did not reach,,,"Together, apologize and beg," and, if the affection of mother Rarere show for the first time, I did not say more than that,,,If I did not like admonished "that much, Even Jiji? Would not do anything, there 's man," and also sought help from dad for the first time, be remonstrance, not only to pretend anything.
Children, even though the wounded.You may remember going, pretended not to do anything.I hope, that that damage is reduced even one person, sexual abuse,,, if,,,,,,,
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> ■ Nanzo and to live is? ■ (- chain-industry di -)
(20060911)Time we became adults,Then in the middle of the father> Was opened, a "family meeting"• The "sister"-again, not a prank anymore! And,,,↑ perhaps, I think, since then, and almost died,,,,
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
－過去日記・転載・中学校時代－
私が中学１年の頃。
従姉妹が家に泊まりだして、数年が経った頃。
従姉妹は、とても発育が良く。 小学校５年生当時で、Ｃ～Ｄカップありました。
父が、従姉妹に性的な接触をしていることは、なんとなく気がついていました。
けれど、私は自分のことで精一杯で、それ以上のことへの関与を拒絶してました。
それに。もし。
従姉妹が、この性的虐待の場面から、なんらかのアクションを起こす事があるのなら。
私は、それを見てみたいと思ったからでした。
それは、私自身も。性的暴力の範疇から、抜け出せるかも知れないという、一種の希望でもありました。
だから、私はずっと。従姉妹が父にナニカをされているのだろうなと、感じてはいても。
そのまま、放置してました。
数ヶ月が、過ぎた頃。
私は、中学一年生でした。 従姉妹は、小学校５年生でした。
私の部屋へ、夜に訪ねて来ました。
「 おじちゃんが、胸とか寝てても起きてても、触りに来るから助けて 」と。 半べそで。
私は、冷たく「 気のせいじゃない？ 」と、言いました。
自分の父まで、小さな女の子に性的虐待をしているのだと、どうしても思いたくありませんでした。
これ以上、私を苦しめないで！とも、心の奥で、叫びそうでした。
そして、この小さな従姉妹に、怒りのようなものが、沸いて来るのをとめられませんでした。
人に、簡単に頼るな！ 自分でなんとかしろ！ と、、、、、、、、、
従姉妹は、自分の部屋へ帰りました。
私は、自分自身の怒りや、自己嫌悪に苛まれました。 吐き気がとまりませんでした。 自分自身に、募る憎悪を、どうする事もできませんでした。 自傷行為をするように、かみそりで手足を傷付けました。
何度も何度も、切り刻みました。
赤く引かれる筋が、どこかキレイで。 血は、やっぱり赤いんだと、、、
少し遅れてやってくる痛みが、どこか心地好く。
その痛みに酔うように、切り付ける事を、やめられませんでした。
けれど、ある日。
同じ傷を作っている、３年生の番格の少女の妹の取り巻きの一人と話す機会があり。
その傷を見た瞬間。自分自身の最悪さに気付き。
かみそりを、捨てました。 どれほど、自分がみっともないのか、見せ付けられるようでした。
従姉妹は、家を出ることになりました。
私の父に、「 お前がこの事を、○○○（ 私の名前 ）達に言ったら、一家離散になるんだからな！そうなれば、お前のせいかだからな！ 」と、脅していたそうです。
従姉妹は、悩んだ末。 実家に戻ることにしたようでした。
けれど、その数ヵ月後には。家に戻って来ました。
実家に居れば、生活がどうしても乱れて、だらしなくなってしまうからと、、、 私は、心の中で思いました。
自由になれるチャンスだったのに、、、
いつでも実家に帰れる逃げ場所があるのに、どうして、戻って来るの？と、、、
私は、ただ。 心が苦しくて仕方がありませんでした。
お前（ 従姉妹 ）は、父だけでしょう？と、、、
私は、祖父や伯父、、、
お前の父や兄に、押さえ付けられて、下着を脱がされたんだ！と、、、
お前の兄に、何度となくお風呂に入って来られているんだ！と、、、
知らない男の人たちや、父の鳩の世話に来る男の子たち、、、
食堂の職人さんたちに、未だに毎日のように体を触られているんだぞ！と、、、
怒りや、嫉み、、、妬み、、、この小さな少女に、ぶつけないようにするのが、精一杯でした。
だから、私たちは社会に出るようになるまで、あまり口を聞いた事もありませんでした。
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・大人になって思うのは・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
なぜ、私の名前を、いつも一番に取り上げられるんだろう？と、言う事でした。
私は、中心に居たくない。 なににも、関わりあいたくない。
話題にされたくない。 ほっておいて欲しいのにと、、、
いつも、心が苦しくて、居たたまれなくて。 ただ、ツラくって、仕方がありませんでした。
私は、従姉妹を助けてあげる事が出来ませんでした。
従姉妹を助けるという事は、父を糾弾することだと、自覚していたからです。
自分が、祖父たちにされている事が、露呈してしまうことも、とても恐ろしかったからです。
なにを、どうされた？ いつ、どういう風に、されたんだ？とか、、、
聞かれることが、とても怖かったからです。
そして、「 祖父だけなのか？ 」と、聞かれることが、とても怖かった、、、
「 なぜ、助けを求めなかったんだ？ 」と、、、求めていたよ、、、ずっと、、、
けれど、届かなかった、、、
「 一緒に、土下座して謝ろう 」と、、、初めて母の愛情を見せられれば、それ以上を言えなかったよ、、、
「 そのくらい、なんでもないだろう？ じじだって、男なんだから 」と、初めてパパに助けを求めても、いさめられる様に諭されれば、なんでもないフリをするしかなかったよ。
子供は、傷ついていても。
なんでもないフリを、覚えていくのかも知れません。
性的虐待、、、どうか、一人でもその被害が減る事を、願っています、、、、、、、
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＞■生きるとは・なんぞや？■（ － 自業・連鎖 － ）
http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10881944455.html
恐怖。 (20060911)
私たちが・大人になったころ
父を真ん中にして
＞「 家族会議 」を・開きました
・もう二度と・「 妹 」には・イタズラしない！と、、、
↑たぶん、それ以来、、、ほとんど・なくなったと・思います、、、
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