The girls have been around the end of the second semester, and are at odds with me, began to encouraging personal appearance, serious club activities.Of action was to mind the pupil's record.From this time, and began to feel the more serious in the school dress code.I was dressed as usual. Slippers for guests, a longer skirt was short of Thailand.
Suddenly, and look around. Alternatively, the students were serious, the students had been bullied clothes were beginning to turbulence.Among them, there was a cousin of the same age.Around this time, his cousin and two people were teasing each other each other.And "2 years, 3 semester debut ~ ~ and I", if I say,"Something you, will end ー one semester a year," said his cousin.The silly little conversation, there was a moment of peace.
Around one day, I always like, eat lunch at the end, the eye began five hours trying to leave early, I went down the stairs.Then, in the same way as his cousin, a boy and was the first eye had been bullying debut three years.He was a classmate of the same elementary school. Have been turning around sixth grade, was fit to a fierce bullying from boys.Because most of the girls, but I did have a favor from him. I also was one of them.
The boy's house, wealthy. Not only study, in all sports.Was a boy that can behave like ladies first addition. I have a favor to the boy, anyone.Why boys class was not interesting, it, both physically and mentally, I went to hunt down, this boy.In it, this boy and, sometimes, eye to eye each other was. Have received in physical violence.So, somewhere. To each other may not, be we were able to go to school every day.However, most have never heard the mouth.
The other is there a moment our eyes met, I moved toward the line of sight as it is a shoebox. Because it was going to go home.Then, while the boy suddenly yelled, grabbing my shoulders, were pushed to the wall.In severe shock, my body was shaking. Moment, not from the solution. Was facing him.Boy, you put strength into my shoulders, to the height of the same eye was lifting me.My feet were like the toes than.
The other is there a moment our eyes met, I moved toward the line of sight as it is a shoebox. Because it was going to go home.Then, while the boy suddenly yelled, grabbing my shoulders, were pushed to the wall.In severe shock, my body was shaking. Moment, not from the solution. Was facing him.Boy, you put strength into my shoulders, to the height of the same eye was lifting me.My feet were like the toes than.
Long time, but this is only commensurate with each other, this was the first time.For a while, was shouting match with each other. The boy, still pressed against the wall I was focused on the hand.My shoulders were sore. I still, and "! Idiot! Tied up," and shouted.The boy has been beaten by main force me then. I was also hit returns.However, the difference between the physical strength of men and women-body gap. I was hit head on the wall many times.Gon! Gon! The sound was dull. Still, grab the collar of the boy, has returned from hitting.Therefore, we were pulled off to teachers having gone out from the staff room.
We have passed through the different rooms. Up the blood to the head, anger did not fit.In addition, in such, we have been my parents regular taxi to school by car.I said, "unilaterally, You've Lost That Lovin 'the violence" had become to the feel.Indeed, I punch my from only about 1 to 2, did not hit.Boys, and his violent unilaterally, but others say they have apologized.Not quite right! Cause, or what it was. Incredibly, will remain doubtful. . .In the form of accepting an apology from him, we would converge.
To go home, as I Abiyo a shower, and are beginning to take off in the dressing room, my father was called out to me."What! You're it! Show me?" And. I wonder what? I think, and see step-by-step gaze of his father. . .In my arms, but there was bruises. Is where the arm was grabbed earlier, the boy.Marks his hands, was left in my arms. My father, and "! Show me", it will go into the dressing room come.In such a sad face, somewhere. . . I, somehow, without really want to be seen.To say! "It's okay", ran into the bathroom. At least it was not my father came.
In the bathroom, I have a good look at his arm. Under side, congestion, such as those red marks, there were several.This is, and the difference of the power of men and women'm was Kanji-iri again.Later, to meet with the boy at school, there was not much. At least, in my memory has not left.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
I think is, even though the violence had been rejected in this boy, there was no fear, the meaning of "sexual", and because there was no violence.My body, rigid with fear to be, there was not. So, I think that it was not scared, somewhere.
However, consciousness was trapped in badly damaged like this boy had, somewhere.Until about 30 years old too, that consciousness did not wane.I would probably be this way would also hurt people, why, not only in the target of hatred itself,,, snorting habit did not.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
Sun-20110715 is a fill-in after this↓
-> Middle school diary and reprint past -> Early summer (20070805)
http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10910735934.html
From this time, it will be molested, but no longer.However, from relatives, but there was as usual, it is now possible to reject it.My grandfather only, even if you refuse, no matter how firm the bravado I've just been touched by Desuga caught.Grabbed the hand, carried on the lap, the smell of alcohol, the body odor of his grandfather, was no longer move.Afraid, you become stuck. And they smell and body odor in the sniffing of my grandfather's sake. . .Fell into such a sense of consciousness away. Is my intention, that does not feel on blank time.
Boy mentioned above, a "debut three years"-
· · · And I think at a later date or go over again Kai,,,
This is much,,,, I was wondering,,,
-From the very beginning, I started writing-the "diary" For the past,
I write my own thing-if,,,That of others-That of others-What I say to the touch? And,,,
But this is a single data-Will-and as one sample,,,
As we will be saved-even a little-children-are suffering from bullying and abuse right now,,,
Adult Children of everyone-is suffering, still,,, even a little, as we will be saved,,,
Let's go and wrote, I think,,,
A little? To arrive is cast aside,,,Please let me just touch-written,,,
Maybe,,,· Transfer studentBullyingFall-of life after that? And writing, and,,, but be misleading,,,I think boys-and-spent adolescence-so-ghastly,,,
• Even without being received,,, "support" in parents and siblings do not know anything,,,,I think, was also mentally and been cornered-very-,,,
↑ I did not confess, and because "all" boy-himself-a,,, "bullying" I did not receive the support-is,,,
> "Bullying"Even parents-itIt is-very-confession-Painful-Scary-Sad
• You would have been discouraged if it would hurt, I'm afraid
• You would have been retaliation, it is violently • In addition, the composition of bullying will not be understood by scary-
And elements from various,,,I think children who are bullied, and he can not be opened-quite-the-mouth,,,
My brother put the time in junior high school, Van,,,This boy had become invite-as-a-my brothers,,,Had become, in the "presence-that is a fool",,, up to my brothers,,,
- "So, fractures jumping from the second floor window of his room-from-smoking! Thinner (derogatory term, that is to fool the boy-←) @ @ @" · brother
-I "My brother is only thinner will melt-most-teeth-overdoing Ne do absolutely!! Know, the fear of thinner look-@ @ @ at the station, today. Thinner guy · If I end up not saying there had been leaning against Human-Piss-Te discharging at the pillars of the station-he-today-'m Tell ... "
↑ Every time I hear these,,,, and knows not have chest pain,,,, nothing,,,
Bullying, the boy receivedOr how much it was mono,,,
Gentle, bright and refreshing, so much deAlso versatile-and study-sport,,, also handsome,,,Was like a "Prince"-surprisingly,,, but was a transfer student,,,
Love to bullying from boys in the class,,,,Day by day,,, to become silent,,, boy,,,
First-is-still hardWas trying to Uchitokeyo-class boys with us,,,Physical violence and verbal violence-But-· A target of heartache from the boys and all-Shikato,,,
Have seen,,,Than I have been bullied,,, even my own,,, replied,,,
Debut year 3 (20090822)
The girls have been around the end of the second semester, and are at odds with me, began to encouraging personal appearance, serious club activities.Of action was to mind the pupil's record.From this time, and began to feel the more serious in the school dress code.I was dressed as usual. Slippers for guests, a longer skirt was short of Thailand.
Suddenly, and look around. Alternatively, the students were serious, the students had been bullied clothes were beginning to turbulence.Among them, there was a cousin of the same age.Around this time, his cousin and two people were teasing each other each other.And "2 years, 3 semester debut ~ ~ and I", if I say,"Something you, will end ー one semester a year," said his cousin.The silly little conversation, there was a moment of peace.
Around one day, I always like, eat lunch at the end, the eye began five hours trying to leave early, I went down the stairs.Then, in the same way as his cousin, a boy and was the first eye had been bullying debut three years.He was a classmate of the same elementary school. Have been turning around sixth grade, was fit to a fierce bullying from boys.Because most of the girls, but I did have a favor from him. I also was one of them.
The boy's house, wealthy. Not only study, in all sports.Was a boy that can behave like ladies first addition. I have a favor to the boy, anyone.Why boys class was not interesting, it, both physically and mentally, I went to hunt down, this boy.In it, this boy and, sometimes, eye to eye each other was. Have received in physical violence.So, somewhere. To each other may not, be we were able to go to school every day.However, most have never heard the mouth.
The other is there a moment our eyes met, I moved toward the line of sight as it is a shoebox. Because it was going to go home.Then, while the boy suddenly yelled, grabbing my shoulders, were pushed to the wall.In severe shock, my body was shaking. Moment, not from the solution. Was facing him.Boy, you put strength into my shoulders, to the height of the same eye was lifting me.My feet were like the toes than.
I think the meaning is not from the solution, and "? What I lived," and shouted. Next, it was the staff room immediately.We shouted, feeling that the boy, and "!" Gimme a break, says.Does not mean than solved. Why be such a thing, why,,,,,,,,,,,,But I also yelled returns. And "! Idiot! Tied up." Boy, while shouting, do not release me.From up to junior high school, our eyes met and that the boy, there was not a little.The boyfriend of the girl are boy, and are at odds with me, there was like Pashiri.
Long time, but this is only commensurate with each other, this was the first time.For a while, was shouting match with each other. The boy, still pressed against the wall I was focused on the hand.My shoulders were sore. I still, and "! Idiot! Tied up," and shouted.The boy has been beaten by main force me then. I was also hit returns.However, the difference between the physical strength of men and women-body gap. I was hit head on the wall many times.Gon! Gon! The sound was dull. Still, grab the collar of the boy, has returned from hitting.Therefore, we were pulled off to teachers having gone out from the staff room.
We have passed through the different rooms. Up the blood to the head, anger did not fit.In addition, in such, we have been my parents regular taxi to school by car.I said, "unilaterally, You've Lost That Lovin 'the violence" had become to the feel.Indeed, I punch my from only about 1 to 2, did not hit.Boys, and his violent unilaterally, but others say they have apologized.Not quite right! Cause, or what it was. Incredibly, will remain doubtful. . .In the form of accepting an apology from him, we would converge.
To go home, as I Abiyo a shower, and are beginning to take off in the dressing room, my father was called out to me."What! You're it! Show me?" And. I wonder what? I think, and see step-by-step gaze of his father. . .In my arms, but there was bruises. Is where the arm was grabbed earlier, the boy.Marks his hands, was left in my arms. My father, and "! Show me", it will go into the dressing room come.In such a sad face, somewhere. . . I, somehow, without really want to be seen.To say! "It's okay", ran into the bathroom. At least it was not my father came.
In the bathroom, I have a good look at his arm. Under side, congestion, such as those red marks, there were several.This is, and the difference of the power of men and women'm was Kanji-iri again.Later, to meet with the boy at school, there was not much. At least, in my memory has not left.
· · · · · · · · ·
I think is, even though the violence had been rejected in this boy, there was no fear, the meaning of "sexual", and because there was no violence.My body, rigid with fear to be, there was not. So, I think that it was not scared, somewhere.
However, consciousness was trapped in badly damaged like this boy had, somewhere.Until about 30 years old too, that consciousness did not wane.I would probably be this way would also hurt people, why, not only in the target of hatred itself,,, snorting habit did not.
***********************************
Sun-20110715 is a fill-in after this↓
-> Middle school diary and reprint past -> Early summer (20070805)http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10910735934.htmlFrom this time, it will be molested, but no longer.However, from relatives, but there was as usual, it is now possible to reject it.My grandfather only, even if you refuse, no matter how firm the bravado I've just been touched by Desuga caught.Grabbed the hand, carried on the lap, the smell of alcohol, the body odor of his grandfather, was no longer move.Afraid, you become stuck. And they smell and body odor in the sniffing of my grandfather's sake. . .Fell into such a sense of consciousness away. Is my intention, that does not feel on blank time.
Boy mentioned above, a "debut three years"-
· · · And I think at a later date or go over again Kai,,,
This is much,,,, I was wondering,,,
-From the very beginning, I started writing-the "diary" For the past,
I write my own thing-if,,,
That of others-
That of others-
What I say to the touch? And,,,
But this is a single data-
Will-and as one sample,,,
As we will be saved-even a little-children-are suffering from bullying and abuse right now,,,
Adult Children of everyone-is suffering, still,,, even a little, as we will be saved,,,
Let's go and wrote, I think,,,
A little? To arrive is cast aside,,,
Please let me just touch-written,,,
Maybe,,,
· Transfer student
Bullying
Fall-of life after that? And writing, and,,, but be misleading,,,
I think boys-and-spent adolescence-so-ghastly,,,
• Even without being received,,, "support" in parents and siblings do not know anything,,,,
I think, was also mentally and been cornered-very-,,,
↑ I did not confess, and because "all" boy-himself-a,,, "bullying" I did not receive the support-is,,,
> "Bullying"
Even parents-it
It is-very-confession
-Painful
-Scary
-Sad
• You would have been discouraged if it would hurt, I'm afraid
• You would have been retaliation, it is violently • In addition, the composition of bullying will not be understood by scary-
And elements from various,,,
I think children who are bullied, and he can not be opened-quite-the-mouth,,,
My brother put the time in junior high school, Van,,,
This boy had become invite-as-a-my brothers,,,
Had become, in the "presence-that is a fool",,, up to my brothers,,,
- "So, fractures jumping from the second floor window of his room-from-smoking! Thinner (derogatory term, that is to fool the boy-←) @ @ @" · brother
-I "My brother is only thinner will melt-most-teeth-overdoing Ne do absolutely!! Know, the fear of thinner look-@ @ @ at the station, today. Thinner guy · If I end up not saying there had been leaning against Human-Piss-Te discharging at the pillars of the station-he-today-'m Tell ... "
↑ Every time I hear these,,,, and knows not have chest pain,,,, nothing,,,
Bullying, the boy received
Or how much it was mono,,,
Gentle, bright and refreshing, so much de
Also versatile-and study-sport,,, also handsome,,,
Was like a "Prince"-surprisingly,,, but was a transfer student,,,
Love to bullying from boys in the class,,,,
Day by day,,, to become silent,,, boy,,,
First-is-still hard
Was trying to Uchitokeyo-class boys with us,,,
Physical violence and verbal violence-But-
· A target of heartache from the boys and all-Shikato,,,
Have seen,,,
Than I have been bullied,,, even my own,,, replied,,,
And, Once in junior high school,,,When I was about half a year too,,,,Became the boyfriend of the girl-Pashiri had been, and are at odds with me,,,
The girls have been around the end of the second semester, and are at odds with me, began to encouraging personal appearance, serious club activities.Of action was to mind the pupil's record.From this time, and began to feel the more serious in the school dress code.I was dressed as usual. Slippers for guests, a longer skirt was short of Thailand.
Suddenly, and look around. Alternatively, the students were serious, the students had been bullied clothes were beginning to turbulence.Among them, there was a cousin of the same age.Around this time, his cousin and two people were teasing each other each other.And "2 years, 3 semester debut ~ ~ and I", if I say,"Something you, will end ー one semester a year," said his cousin.The silly little conversation, there was a moment of peace.
Around one day, I always like, eat lunch at the end, the eye began five hours trying to leave early, I went down the stairs.Then, in the same way as his cousin, a boy and was the first eye had been bullying debut three years.He was a classmate of the same elementary school. Have been turning around sixth grade, was fit to a fierce bullying from boys.Because most of the girls, but I did have a favor from him. I also was one of them.
The boy's house, wealthy. Not only study, in all sports.Was a boy that can behave like ladies first addition. I have a favor to the boy, anyone.Why boys class was not interesting, it, both physically and mentally, I went to hunt down, this boy.In it, this boy and, sometimes, eye to eye each other was. Have received in physical violence.So, somewhere. To each other may not, be we were able to go to school every day.However, most have never heard the mouth.
The other is there a moment our eyes met, I moved toward the line of sight as it is a shoebox. Because it was going to go home.Then, while the boy suddenly yelled, grabbing my shoulders, were pushed to the wall.In severe shock, my body was shaking. Moment, not from the solution. Was facing him.Boy, you put strength into my shoulders, to the height of the same eye was lifting me.My feet were like the toes than.
I think the meaning is not from the solution, and "? What I lived," and shouted. Next, it was the staff room immediately.We shouted, feeling that the boy, and "!" Gimme a break, says.Does not mean than solved. Why be such a thing, why,,,,,,,,,,,,But I also yelled returns. And "! Idiot! Tied up." Boy, while shouting, do not release me.From up to junior high school, our eyes met and that the boy, there was not a little.The boyfriend of the girl are boy, and are at odds with me, there was like Pashiri.
Long time, but this is only commensurate with each other, this was the first time.For a while, was shouting match with each other. The boy, still pressed against the wall I was focused on the hand.My shoulders were sore. I still, and "! Idiot! Tied up," and shouted.The boy has been beaten by main force me then. I was also hit returns.However, the difference between the physical strength of men and women-body gap. I was hit head on the wall many times.Gon! Gon! The sound was dull. Still, grab the collar of the boy, has returned from hitting.Therefore, we were pulled off to teachers having gone out from the staff room.
We have passed through the different rooms. Up the blood to the head, anger did not fit.In addition, in such, we have been my parents regular taxi to school by car.I said, "unilaterally, You've Lost That Lovin 'the violence" had become to the feel.Indeed, I punch my from only about 1 to 2, did not hit.Boys, and his violent unilaterally, but others say they have apologized.Not quite right! Cause, or what it was. Incredibly, will remain doubtful. . .In the form of accepting an apology from him, we would converge.
To go home, as I Abiyo a shower, and are beginning to take off in the dressing room, my father was called out to me."What! You're it! Show me?" And. I wonder what? I think, and see step-by-step gaze of his father. . .In my arms, but there was bruises. Is where the arm was grabbed earlier, the boy.Marks his hands, was left in my arms. My father, and "! Show me", it will go into the dressing room come.In such a sad face, somewhere. . . I, somehow, without really want to be seen.To say! "It's okay", ran into the bathroom. At least it was not my father came.
In the bathroom, I have a good look at his arm. Under side, congestion, such as those red marks, there were several.This is, and the difference of the power of men and women'm was Kanji-iri again.Later, to meet with the boy at school, there was not much. At least, in my memory has not left.
· · · · · · · · ·
I think is, even though the violence had been rejected in this boy, there was no fear, the meaning of "sexual", and because there was no violence.My body, rigid with fear to be, there was not. So, I think that it was not scared, somewhere.
However, consciousness was trapped in badly damaged like this boy had, somewhere.Until about 30 years old too, that consciousness did not wane.I would probably be this way would also hurt people, why, not only in the target of hatred itself,,, snorting habit did not.
***********************************
Sun-20110715 is a fill-in after this↓
-> Middle school diary and reprint past -> Early summer (20070805)http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10910735934.htmlFrom this time, it will be molested, but no longer.However, from relatives, but there was as usual, it is now possible to reject it.My grandfather only, even if you refuse, no matter how firm the bravado I've just been touched by Desuga caught.Grabbed the hand, carried on the lap, the smell of alcohol, the body odor of his grandfather, was no longer move.Afraid, you become stuck. And they smell and body odor in the sniffing of my grandfather's sake. . .Fell into such a sense of consciousness away. Is my intention, that does not feel on blank time.
Boy mentioned above, a "debut three years"-
· · · And I think at a later date or go over again Kai,,,
This is much,,,, I was wondering,,,
-From the very beginning, I started writing-the "diary" For the past,
I write my own thing-if,,,
That of others-
That of others-
What I say to the touch? And,,,
But this is a single data-
Will-and as one sample,,,
As we will be saved-even a little-children-are suffering from bullying and abuse right now,,,
Adult Children of everyone-is suffering, still,,, even a little, as we will be saved,,,
Let's go and wrote, I think,,,
A little? To arrive is cast aside,,,
Please let me just touch-written,,,
Maybe,,,
· Transfer student
Bullying
Fall-of life after that? And writing, and,,, but be misleading,,,
I think boys-and-spent adolescence-so-ghastly,,,
• Even without being received,,, "support" in parents and siblings do not know anything,,,,
I think, was also mentally and been cornered-very-,,,
↑ I did not confess, and because "all" boy-himself-a,,, "bullying" I did not receive the support-is,,,
> "Bullying"
Even parents-it
It is-very-confession
-Painful
-Scary
-Sad
• You would have been discouraged if it would hurt, I'm afraid
• You would have been retaliation, it is violently • In addition, the composition of bullying will not be understood by scary-
And elements from various,,,
I think children who are bullied, and he can not be opened-quite-the-mouth,,,
My brother put the time in junior high school, Van,,,
This boy had become invite-as-a-my brothers,,,
Had become, in the "presence-that is a fool",,, up to my brothers,,,
- "So, fractures jumping from the second floor window of his room-from-smoking! Thinner (derogatory term, that is to fool the boy-←) @ @ @" · brother
-I "My brother is only thinner will melt-most-teeth-overdoing Ne do absolutely!! Know, the fear of thinner look-@ @ @ at the station, today. Thinner guy · If I end up not saying there had been leaning against Human-Piss-Te discharging at the pillars of the station-he-today-'m Tell ... "
↑ Every time I hear these,,,, and knows not have chest pain,,,, nothing,,,
Bullying, the boy received
Or how much it was mono,,,
Gentle, bright and refreshing, so much de
Also versatile-and study-sport,,, also handsome,,,
Was like a "Prince"-surprisingly,,, but was a transfer student,,,
Love to bullying from boys in the class,,,,
Day by day,,, to become silent,,, boy,,,
First-is-still hard
Was trying to Uchitokeyo-class boys with us,,,
Physical violence and verbal violence-But-
· A target of heartache from the boys and all-Shikato,,,
Have seen,,,
Than I have been bullied,,, even my own,,, replied,,,
And, Once in junior high school,,,When I was about half a year too,,,,Became the boyfriend of the girl-Pashiri had been, and are at odds with me,,,
Was passed through-and-rumors take off your clothes and students between the crotch of my boyfriend had been in conflict with the boys, the,,
A little boy before-I-have-to be beaten and,,,-And heard-and pull between the crotch of his uniform-call-it Nugase in the backyard, a bullied child of same-grade boy,,,Do You Remember somewhere,,,, it is mind and hurt it very much,,,
When I was in junior and senior high school students
• When you rape, because I heard so drunk at the festival, the younger sister (my cousin)
Real brother, sister, and the boy (I went to look for, the sister-soon had become in the fellow-act together,,,, real brother sister did not stop, you are laughing, Yes,,, "not really mean to-",,,)
↑ supplement and correct
I was a direct call-to-brother-sister. Nando had to say so or • "(rape) is a wonder I went to Ne?? Will probably be okay, to the apartment (the name of the sister ←) · *** @ @ @ is-now"-then- go to stop! Kidnapping-but-I-I said to my sister-Tsuredashi went-and-so did not check the location and red. Sister-clothes of that time (& bowl of the festival) is a drunk, so was his-I have lower body Hadake · ·)
Complaints, such as fire, seems to have been quick guide to the top-grandmother, on a daily basis, was supposed to haunt, had become a problem, at that time in the tobacco gambling (thinner-> grandmother is a physical condition, in it- complaints were swept on a daily basis-to-original-grandmother from the neighborhood http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10818086794.html "(Supplement), and amoeba-mother and I",,, break have begun to be-that> annoying child-> The hangout> fire, etc. · If you up-scary)
↑ sister ^ ^ (have drunk-;;; you think Death was Tsurekae~tsu>,,, that the sister-in this case and go write-once again-Mata,,, I felt my sister, at this time · I think, as they are about to go Kai facing Chant, also "feeling negative"> to it-and,,, me, my sister> dysfunction-a chain of negative "sense-of smile, smiled" "Mother's smile and crazy sister",,, I mean, that disgust is, as I was in I-overlapping,,,
At a later date,,,Again,,,-At once-I think-and write up that far,,,
This is even a little-Something of someoneIf you made me-and I think one of the something-to,,,
I also, once
• The bulletin board was saved, as no less,,,
• Even a little something of someoneIf you are familiar with one-of-something,,, I,,,
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
－過去日記・転載・中学校時代－（ 補足・修正 ）
３年デビュー (20090822)
２学期の終わり頃、私と対立しているとされてきた少女たちが、まじめな身なり、クラブ活動に励みだしました。
内申書を気にしての行動でした。
この頃から、学校内でまじめな感じの服装が多くなり始めました。
私は、相変わらずの格好でした。来賓用のスリッパに、短めのタイ・長めのスカートでした。
ふと、周りを見渡すと。まじめだった生徒が、あるいは、イジメられていた生徒の服装が乱れ始めてました。
その中に、同い年の従兄弟がいました。
このころ、従兄弟と二人、お互いをからかい合いました。
「 や～い・３年２学期デビュ～ 」と、私が言えば、
「 お前なんか、１年1学期終了だろー 」と、従兄弟。
他愛ない会話に、一瞬の安らぎがありました。
ある日、私はいつものように、給食を食べ終わり、早退しようと5時間目の始まった頃、階段を降りて行きました。
すると、従兄弟と同じように、３年デビューのイジメられていた少年と目が合いました。
彼は、同じ小学校の同級生でした。６年生ごろに転向してきて、男子から壮絶なイジメに合いました。
なぜなら、少女たちのほとんどが、彼に好意を持ってしまったからでした。私も、その中の一人でした。
少年の家は、裕福で。勉強だけでなく、スポーツ万能で。
そのうえレディーファーストのような振る舞いのできる少年でした。 誰もが、少年に好意を持ちました。
それを、クラスの少年たちは面白くなかったのか、この少年を、肉体的にも精神的にも、追い詰めていきました。
その中で、この少年とは、ときどき、お互いに目が合いました。肉体的暴力を受けている中で。
だから、どこか。お互いに、毎日学校へ行くことが出来たのかも知れません。
ですが、ほとんど、口を聞いたことがありませんでした。
一瞬目が合ったのですが、そのまま視線を下駄箱のほうへ移しました。家に帰るつもりだったからです。
すると、少年がいきなり怒鳴りながら、私の両肩を掴んで、壁に押し上げました。
激しい衝撃で、私の体は揺れました。 一瞬、解からず。 彼を見返しました。
少年は、私の両肩に力を込めて、同じ目の高さまで、私を持ち上げました。
私の両足は、爪先立ちのようにまりました。
意味が解からず、「 なにすんだよ！？ 」と、怒鳴ったと思います。直ぐ横は、職員室でした。
少年は、「 ふざけんな！ 」と、いう感じのことを、怒鳴っています。
意味が解かりません。 なぜ、こんな事をされるのか、、、、、、、、、、、、
だけど、私も怒鳴り返します。「 離せ！バカヤロー！ 」と。 少年は、怒鳴りながら、私を離しません。
中学校にあがってから、少年と目が合うことは、ほとんどありませんでした。
少年は、私と対立しているとされている少女の彼氏の、パシリのような存在でした。
これだけ長い時間、お互いを見合ったのは、これが初めての事でした。
しばらく、お互いに怒鳴りあいました。 少年は、私を壁に押し付けたまま、手に力を入れました。
私の両肩は、痛みました。 それでも、「 離せ！バカヤロー！ 」と、怒鳴ったと思います。
すると少年が、私を力いっぱい殴りつけてきました。私も殴り返しました。
ですが、男女の体格差・腕力の差。 私は、頭を何度も壁にぶつけられました。
ゴン！ゴン！と、鈍い音がしました。 それでも、少年の襟元を掴み、殴り返しました。
そこで、職員室から飛び出してきた教諭たちに引き剥がされました。
私たちは、別々の部屋に通されました。 頭に血が上って、怒りが収まりませんでした。
そんな中で、また、私の両親たちが学校へ車で乗り付けてきました。
私は、「 一方的に、暴力を振られた 」感じになってました。
確かに、私のパンチなんて、１～２発くらいしか、ヒットしませんでした。
少年も、自分が一方的に暴力を振るったと、謝罪していたそうです。
腑に落ちません！原因は、なんだったのか。ものすごく、釈然としまいまま。。。
彼からの謝罪を受け入れる形で、収束してしまいました。
家に帰り、シャワーを浴びようとして、脱衣場で脱ぎ始めていると、父が私を呼び止めました。
「 おまえ！なんだそれは？見せてみろ！ 」と。 なんだろう？と思い、父の視線を追ってみると。。。
私の両腕に、アザが出来てました。 先ほど、少年に掴まれた腕のところです。
彼の手痕が、私の両腕に残されてました。父は、「 見せてみろ！ 」と、脱衣場へ入って来ようとします。
どこか、悲しそうな顔で。。。私は、なんだか、どうしても見られたくなく。
「 大丈夫だから！ 」と言って、浴室へ逃げ込みました。父もそれ以上、入ってきませんでした。
浴室で、自分の腕をよく見てみました。 脇下に、赤いうっ血したような痕が、いくつもありました。
これが、男女の力の差なんだ、と、あらためて感じ入りました。
それ以降、学校で少年と会う事は、あまりありませんでした。 少なくとも、私の記憶には残っていません。
これが、男女の力の差なんだ、と、あらためて感じ入りました。
それ以降、学校で少年と会う事は、あまりありませんでした。 少なくとも、私の記憶には残っていません。
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
ですが、この少年に暴力を振られていても、怖くなかったのは、「 性的 」な意味の、暴力では無かったからだと思います。
私の体は、恐怖で硬直する事は、ありませんでした。 だから、どこか、怖くなかったのだと思います。
ただ、身内からは相変わらずありましたが、それも拒否できるようになりました。
ですが祖父だけは、私がどんなに虚勢を張り拒否しても、捕まえられて触られてしまいました。
手を掴まれ、膝に乗せられ、お酒の匂いに、祖父の体臭に、動けなくなりました。
怖くて、動けなくなってしまうのです。 祖父のお酒の匂いと体臭を嗅いでしまうと。。。
意識が遠ざかるような感覚に陥りました。 自分の意思が、感じ取れないような空白の時間。
上記の少年は・「 ３年デビュー 」
また・後日・あらためて・書いていくかと・思います、、、
これは・ずっと、、、迷っていたんです、、、
・「 過去日記 」を・書き始めた・当初から、、、
私自身のことなら・書けるけど、、、
他者のことを・
他者のことに・
触れてもいいのかな？と、、、
だけど、これが・一つのデータ
一つのサンプルと・なりますように、、、
今現在・イジメや虐待で・苦しんでいる子供たちが・少しでも・救われていきますように、、、
今もなお・苦しんでいる・アダルトチルドレンの・みなさんが、、、少しでも、救われていきますように、、、
記していこうと、思います、、、
少し？踏ん切りがつくように、、、
さわりだけ・書かせてください、、、
たぶん、、、
・転校生
・イジメ
そのあとの・転落人生？と・書くと、、、語弊かもですが、、、
とても・凄惨な・青年期を・少年は・過ごしたと・思います、、、
何も知らない・両親や・兄弟の中で、、、「 サポート 」も・受けられず、、、
精神的にも・とても・追い詰められていったと・思います、、、
↑サポートを・受けられなかったのは、、、「 イジメ 」を・少年自身が・「 すべてを 」告白できなかったからだと・思います、、、
＞「 イジメ 」
それを・両親にさえ
告白するのは・とても・
・苦しい
・怖い
・悲しい
・傷つけてしまうのが・落胆されてしまうのが・怖い
・理解されず・イジメの構図が・さらに・激しくなって・報復されてしまうのが・怖い
さまざまな・要素から、、、
イジメられている子供たちは・なかなか・口を・開けないのだと・思います、、、
私の弟が・中学で・番を張るころ、、、
この少年は・私の弟たちを・誘うように・なっていました、、、
私の弟たちにまで、、、「 バカにされる・存在 」に・なっていました、、、
・弟・「 ＠＠＠（ ←少年を・バカにした・蔑称です ）！シンナー吸って・自分の部屋から・二階の窓から飛び降りて・骨折だってさ 」
・弟・「 俺は・シンナーだけは・絶対にやらねー！！今日・駅で・＠＠＠を見て・シンナーの怖さを・知った。あいつ・シンナーやりすぎて・歯が・ほとんど・溶けてるんだけど・今日・あいつ・駅の柱のところで・ションベン垂れ流して・もたれかかってた・人間・あそこまでいったら・終わりだな・・・ 」
↑これらを・聞くたびに、、、胸が・痛みました、、、なにも・知らないくせにと、、、
少年が・受けた・イジメは
どれだけの・ものだったのか、、、
あんなに・さわやかで・明るくて・優しくて
また・勉強も・スポーツも・万能で、、、ハンサムで、、、
驚くくらい・「 王子様 」のようだった、、、転校生だったのに、、、
クラス中の・男子からのイジメにあい、、、
日増しに、、、無口になっていく、、、少年、、、
それでも・最初は・頑張って
クラスの男子たちと・打ち解けようとしてた、、、
だけど・言葉の暴力や・肉体的な暴力
シカトや・全男子からの・ターゲットとなる・心痛、、、
見ていて、、、
私がイジメられている以上に、、、私自身にも、、、堪えた、、、
そして、、、中学に入ると、、、
半年くらい・過ぎたころ、、、
私と対立されていると・されていた少女の彼氏の・パシリになった、、、
ときどき・すれ違うけど
少年の・「 必死さ？ 」を・どこか、、、見たくなくて、、、
私は・目を・そらしてばかりいた、、、
少年は・私と対立していた彼氏の股の間を・学生服を脱いで・くぐったと・ウワサされた、、、
そして・少年に・私が殴られる・少し前、、、
少年は・同学年のイジメられっこを・裏庭に呼び出して・制服を脱がせて・自分の股の間を・くぐらせたと・聞いた、、、
それが・どこか、、、とても・ココロが痛んだのを・覚えています、、、
私が・高校生になったころ
妹（ 私のイトコ ）を・お祭りで酔っているので・レイプすると・聞いたので
すぐに・妹を・探しに行った（ 少年と・妹の実の兄は・行動を共にする・仲間内になっていました、、、妹の実の兄は・笑っていて・とめなかったそうです、、、「 本当に・するわけない 」と、、、 ）
↑補足・修正
妹の・兄に・私が・直接電話しました。すると・「 いま・＠＠＠が・＊＊＊（ ←妹の名前 ）のアパートに・行ったけど・（ レイプ ）は・しねーだろ？大丈夫だろ？ 」と・言っていたので・なんどか・とめに行け！と・言ったのですが・らちがあかなかったので・場所を確認して・妹を連れ出しに・私が・行きました。そのとき・妹の服（ お祭りの・ドンブリ ）は・下半身・はだけていたのですが・酔って・自分でしたそうです ）
私の体は、恐怖で硬直する事は、ありませんでした。 だから、どこか、怖くなかったのだと思います。
ですが、どこか、この少年を酷く傷つけてしまったような意識に囚われました。
30歳をすぎるくらいまで、その意識は薄れる事はありませんでした。
なぜ、私はこうも人を傷つけてしまうのだろうと、自身が嫌悪の対象でしかなく、、、自嘲癖は消えませんでした。
＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊
これ以降・２０１１０７１５日の・記入です
↓
＞－過去日記・転載・中学校時代－
＞初夏の頃 （20070805）
この頃から、性的なイタズラをされる事が、無くなりました。 ただ、身内からは相変わらずありましたが、それも拒否できるようになりました。
ですが祖父だけは、私がどんなに虚勢を張り拒否しても、捕まえられて触られてしまいました。
手を掴まれ、膝に乗せられ、お酒の匂いに、祖父の体臭に、動けなくなりました。
怖くて、動けなくなってしまうのです。 祖父のお酒の匂いと体臭を嗅いでしまうと。。。
意識が遠ざかるような感覚に陥りました。 自分の意思が、感じ取れないような空白の時間。
また・後日・あらためて・書いていくかと・思います、、、
・「 過去日記 」を・書き始めた・当初から、、、
他者のことを・
他者のことに・
触れてもいいのかな？と、、、
一つのサンプルと・なりますように、、、
今もなお・苦しんでいる・アダルトチルドレンの・みなさんが、、、少しでも、救われていきますように、、、
さわりだけ・書かせてください、、、
・転校生
・イジメ
そのあとの・転落人生？と・書くと、、、語弊かもですが、、、
とても・凄惨な・青年期を・少年は・過ごしたと・思います、、、
何も知らない・両親や・兄弟の中で、、、「 サポート 」も・受けられず、、、
精神的にも・とても・追い詰められていったと・思います、、、
↑サポートを・受けられなかったのは、、、「 イジメ 」を・少年自身が・「 すべてを 」告白できなかったからだと・思います、、、
それを・両親にさえ
告白するのは・とても・
・苦しい
・怖い
・悲しい
・傷つけてしまうのが・落胆されてしまうのが・怖い
・理解されず・イジメの構図が・さらに・激しくなって・報復されてしまうのが・怖い
さまざまな・要素から、、、
イジメられている子供たちは・なかなか・口を・開けないのだと・思います、、、
この少年は・私の弟たちを・誘うように・なっていました、、、
私の弟たちにまで、、、「 バカにされる・存在 」に・なっていました、、、
・弟・「 俺は・シンナーだけは・絶対にやらねー！！今日・駅で・＠＠＠を見て・シンナーの怖さを・知った。あいつ・シンナーやりすぎて・歯が・ほとんど・溶けてるんだけど・今日・あいつ・駅の柱のところで・ションベン垂れ流して・もたれかかってた・人間・あそこまでいったら・終わりだな・・・ 」
↑これらを・聞くたびに、、、胸が・痛みました、、、なにも・知らないくせにと、、、
どれだけの・ものだったのか、、、
また・勉強も・スポーツも・万能で、、、ハンサムで、、、
驚くくらい・「 王子様 」のようだった、、、転校生だったのに、、、
日増しに、、、無口になっていく、、、少年、、、
クラスの男子たちと・打ち解けようとしてた、、、
だけど・言葉の暴力や・肉体的な暴力
シカトや・全男子からの・ターゲットとなる・心痛、、、
私がイジメられている以上に、、、私自身にも、、、堪えた、、、
半年くらい・過ぎたころ、、、
私と対立されていると・されていた少女の彼氏の・パシリになった、、、
少年の・「 必死さ？ 」を・どこか、、、見たくなくて、、、
私は・目を・そらしてばかりいた、、、
少年は・同学年のイジメられっこを・裏庭に呼び出して・制服を脱がせて・自分の股の間を・くぐらせたと・聞いた、、、
それが・どこか、、、とても・ココロが痛んだのを・覚えています、、、
妹（ 私のイトコ ）を・お祭りで酔っているので・レイプすると・聞いたので
すぐに・妹を・探しに行った（ 少年と・妹の実の兄は・行動を共にする・仲間内になっていました、、、妹の実の兄は・笑っていて・とめなかったそうです、、、「 本当に・するわけない 」と、、、 ）
↑補足・修正
妹の・兄に・私が・直接電話しました。すると・「 いま・＠＠＠が・＊＊＊（ ←妹の名前 ）のアパートに・行ったけど・（ レイプ ）は・しねーだろ？大丈夫だろ？ 」と・言っていたので・なんどか・とめに行け！と・言ったのですが・らちがあかなかったので・場所を確認して・妹を連れ出しに・私が・行きました。そのとき・妹の服（ お祭りの・ドンブリ ）は・下半身・はだけていたのですが・酔って・自分でしたそうです ）
↑妹は・酔っていて（＾＾；；；＞連れ帰ったです、、、このときの・妹のことは・また・改めて・書いていくかと・思います、、、このとき・妹に感じた・「 マイナスの感情 」も・ちゃんと・向き合って・書いていこうと・思います＞負の連鎖・機能不全＞妹が・私に・「 笑いかけた・笑顔の・意味 」、、、そして・それに・嫌悪した・私の意味、、、「 妹の笑顔と・母の狂気 」が、、、私の中で・重なってしまったようでした、、、
改めて、、、
ここまでのことを・一気に・書き上げると・思います、、、
誰かのナニカ
ナニカの一つに・なってくれたらと・思います、、、
レスなし掲示板に・救われたように、、、
少しでも・誰かのナニカ
ナニカの・一つに・なれたらと、、、思います、、、
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