Around the beginning of the summer. Uniform change from time to summer clothes winter clothes.A few words, now that such circumstances, girls and one, a trivial story.Short hair, large chest of Long was impressive girl.It seems like it was the same elementary school, so my impression was not even a little, did not even know her name.
One day in the classroom is not popular.To me, "the evening and want to byte together" and she said it was.And "? I was no good", as annex.I, for a moment. I thought.Instead of me, but to help it become the bytes of the dining room she, I would not need to go to the cafeteria.
So, in immediate reply was OK.
That evening. I took to the canteen management has been her parents.If you want to convey the purport of bytes, and that was OK with me if.As expected, but it was not the original, but still.In the mood, I do not think such a decline may also be less if the two people doing the dining room, we switched the feeling.
As directed by the mother, or go with a small platter.Clean up and go, the washing has accumulated. Two people, carriage went flawlessly.So there is no sense of incongruity, she seemed to me to measure my timing.It has been working on, was also a very pleasant pause.
Is said to Zundo large, and two people want to take them in the warehouse of fresh curry."Because hot, be careful with two people,! I'm going with," said said.Two people, I went to lift carefully.Warehouse, you will have spent 24 hours a cooler. Turnover in the population, there was not a little.Put in place the curry. "Well, then? Or go back" to her destination rather than.Been hugged, kiss was.
Facing the eye. Meaning is not from the solution, I went to assemble the information in my head.Meaning of the kiss is not from the solution.She, while kissing. Has touched my heart and body.I. And, I thought "... Or again."However, that the risk of "deny", was thought would.If an adult male. Such as "violence" in retaliation to be weak.If the girl of the same age?Maybe not lose confidence even though the fight but he was,,,More than that, her unapologetic attitude, was also been washed away, somewhere.Despite the fact that rumors and I know, me of elementary school age,,,My thing, and,,, I do not hate.
Then, each time to go to the warehouse, now kiss or touch the body.I did not reject it.In the cafeteria one person, than that byte. She is better, to feel something, because things were to be saved.Alone, than be ordered by a person to be with bare hands, disposal of garbage and raw, dirty uniforms and unsanitary processing.Just because two people, a girl and you do it to them together, the mind is quite a bit since it was being saved.If it, as long as there is no request for "more than that." Good and even now remains. . .Calculating niece is maneuvering things, in me, it was firmly in the consciousness.
At the end of the byte, to go home. To the simulation, such as the entertainment.Father is more entertaining, my time is reduced. Entertainment from the other, occasionally, so do not get a phone call of meaning.I have to organize the "information" as long as you have heard from the Father, in the voice of a cute girl,And! "My father has to care! Always", from afterthought in the voice of admiration always.Based on that information, he continued his greeting of some of the "thanks".Finally, "the future, if there is any place please! That! That! No thank you father,! Please angry," saidShowed laughing and talking girl seems.Feel the emotion of their own, no longer had even begun.The chastisement of the mother, talk back, but a few words, I went increasing.Chastisement of the mother, in combination with words of chastisement, had begun to change from violence.
At night. When a person, does not stop nausea.Cough out, I can not sleep. Headache will not stop. Heart hurts. Tears will not stop. Irritation to tears but I do not want to cry, not raise parked. Seem to be confronted by weakness, forgiveness Gataku itself. In addition, we can not stop nausea. And "God", without meaning, see murmured. However, it only became a habit, somewhere. I was not believed, God. But sometimes words, words that would leak. To the room, now put the key. If you do not lock the door, no longer sleep.
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
> And "headache does not disappear-era teenagers", and menstrual cramps-Watachi
http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10915187658.html
> Headache
It is especially bad, until about junior high school around the age of twenty-from-
It was supposed to-life work is (simulation as a good-,,, because could not handle, mother-father-the "simulation" that,,, the words "according to our Father's more? depth, the following must be before "-and actual behavior,,, it is tens of times I bought-tight, many times the original simulation,,,,)
Since the first-born was bad, or hearing (such as Jiroukou)
-That on the extension? Or, in the "tinnitus" we-were-quite a bit,,,
I think-and had started from around Middle-Elementary School
> I think, first started as a small-is-from the sound treble called "Pi"
Headache is the time of junior high, nearly 24 hours. 365 days.
That have taken place during Yam was not,,,,
I would stop-it-will not take medicine immediately, ask to drink Bufferin
Can not sleep.
Pain in the head.
• Even energy, stamina is going down gradually
Has been suffering for almost 30 years-every year-to-cough-sore throat-and-from midnight till dawn, from winter to autumn
Throat hurt just about this time, I sleep at night-is-scary, not stop coughing
I did not grasp the cause-and even went to the hospital.
Was drinking a great deal-a-long time domain of cough-drug "commercial", so was not a home environment, who let me go to the hospital-Amari
↑ "cause of the cough"-was found to rebuild the house, when the later-(^ ^;;
Between autumn and spring from my mother. When he had tasted, and impatience-of and could not sleep, cough, and sore throat-with it-would dry all over the house, because it takes Dan in the generation of gas kitchen,,, (^ ^; ;; Ha,,,
Since this is. Dan to take in the "gas in the kitchen"-my mother was heli-quite-,,,
I was a child, at that time, myself I can not sleep (and I weak I-,,, I hate the spirit of his own, were crying,,, the weakness of their own, alone,,, ,, "sore throat, cough",,, I thought the mother-and-gas units,,, (^ ^;; honest,,, Ran'neto,,, in the weakness to do The (; ^ ^; I was also angry Ousset Mo,,, Gyafun)
However, at the time,,,
From early spring until autumn In addition, headache and sore throat and cough,
I think his mental weakness,,, I went up a tree (^ ^;;
• Most can not sleep at night,,,,
My head hurts.
I wonder if I knocked on pain-moderate? • When I think
Saw-hitting book.
A moment pain. Eased,,,
↑ vibration? Brain is shaken out? Moment, only a slight-of-book feel to,,, pain has disappeared,
Knocked-many times
-From "pain"-a direct-hit book
Than penetrate, such as pain, such as those in your head, tightening, when
More pain in the outside-hit was much-better-in this
Headache, the moment has flexibility clause, even momentarily, so, it was hardly let go of and,,,
Than tapping in the book,,, (looks like they have power to moderate-or-? Instinct and defense absolutely,,,)
So, I decided to try and nailed-to-head against the wall
Headache has disappeared-to-easier than this
· Physical fitness must-have stood, and I did not have walls, but,,,
When I nailed the head, several times, and,,,
I would cry,,,
Undignified and would not-I,,,
> Headache
> I can not sleep and mental weakness of the force
> Mittomona-that is nailed to-head against the wall and this,,,
I would cry, to be weak-to-be Mittomona of Amari yourself,,,
・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・
－過去日記・転載・中学校時代－
いきなりの「 Ｂ 」 （20071004）
夏の始めごろ。 制服が冬服から夏服に変わる頃。
一人の少女と、些細な話を、二言三言、するような仲になりました。
小柄な、胸の大きなロングの髪が印象的な少女でした。
同じ小学校だったらしいのですが、私の印象には少しも無かったので、彼女の名前も知りませんでした。
ある日の人気の無い教室で。
彼女が私に、「 夕方から、一緒にバイトしたい 」と、言いました。
「 ダメかな？ 」と、付け足すように。
私は、一瞬。考えました。
彼女が私の代わりに、食堂のバイトをしてくれるようになれば、私は食堂へ行かなくて済むと。
だから、二つ返事で、ＯＫしました。
その日の夕方。彼女を両親が経営している社員食堂へ連れて行きました。
バイトしたいとの旨を伝えると、私と一緒ならＯＫとのことでした。
当初の思惑通りいかなかったのですが、それでも。
気分的には、二人で食堂をやってれば落ち込むような事も少ないかも知れないと思い、気持ちを切り替えました。
小付けを母の指示通り、盛り合わせて行ったり。
溜まっている洗い場を、片付けていったり。二人で、そつなくこなしていきました。
違和感が無いほど、私のタイミングを彼女は、計ってくれているようでした。
それは、仕事をしている上で、とても心地好い間合いでもありました。
大きな寸胴に、出来立てのカレーを倉庫へ二人で持って行って欲しいと言われ。
「 熱いから、二人で気をつけて、持って行くんだぞ！ 」と、言われ。
二人で、慎重に持ち運んでいきました。
倉庫は、クーラーが２４時間掛かっていて。人の出入りは、ほとんど在りませんでした。
カレーを定位置に置き。彼女に「 じゃあ、戻ろうか？ 」と言うより先に。
抱きつかれ、キスされました。
目を見開き。 意味が解からず、情報を頭の中で組み立てて行きました。
キスの意味が解からず。
彼女は、キスをしながら。 私の胸や体に触れてきました。
私は。「 またか。。。 」と、思いました。
けれど、「 拒否 」することのリスクも、考えてしまいました。
大人の男性なら。報復に「 暴力 」などが振るわれる。
同じ年代の少女なら？
たぶん、ケンカになっても負けない自信はあったのだけれど、、、
それ以上に、彼女の悪びれない態度に、どこか、流されてもいました。
私の噂や、小学校時代の私を知っているクセに、、、
私のこと、嫌いじゃないんだ、、、と。
それから、倉庫へ行くたびに、キスや体を触られるようになりました。
私は、それを拒否しませんでした。
食堂を一人で、バイトしているよりは。彼女が居る方が、なにかと気分的に、救われる事が多かったからです。
一人で、生ごみの処理や、汚れた制服や不衛生な処理を、素手ですることを一人で命じられるよりは。
二人で、それらを一緒にやってくれる少女が居るというだけで、心は随分と、救われていたからです。
それならば、「 それ以上 」の要求が無い限り。今のままでもいいと。。。
打算的な駆け引きめいたものが、私の中で、しっかりと自覚の中で在りました。
バイトが終わると、家に帰り。接待などのシミュレーションをする。
父の接待が増え、私の時間が減り。 接待相手から、意味のそれほど無い電話が時折、掛かってくる。
私は、父から聞いている限りの「 情報 」を整理して、可愛らしい少女の声で、
「 いつも！父がお世話になってます！ 」と、必ず感嘆の声で付け足してから。
その情報を素に、いくつかの「 お礼 」のご挨拶を続けました。
最後に、「 これからも、父の事！どうぞ！よろしくお願いいたします！ダメなところがあったら、怒ってください！ 」と、
少女らしく笑って話してみせました。
自分の感情を感じる事が、無くなり始めてもいました。
母の折檻に、口答えが、二言三言、増えていきました。
母の折檻は、暴力から言葉の折檻との併用に、変わり始めていました。
夜。一人になると、吐き気が止まらない。
咳が出て、眠れない。 頭痛がとまらない。 心臓が痛い。 涙がとまらない。泣きたくないのに、とめられない涙に苛立ちが募る。弱さを見せ付けられるようで、自分自身が許しがたく。更に、吐き気がとまらなくなっていく。「 神様 」と、意味もなく、つぶやいてみる。 ただ、それだけがどこか、クセになりました。神様を、信じていたわけじゃない。 けれど、時折、言葉が漏れてしまう言葉。 部屋に、鍵をかけるようになりました。鍵を掛けないと、眠れなくなりました。
0 件のコメント:
コメントを投稿