The girl of my classmates, I went to play for the first time been invited to the Children's Center.(I think that this girl is going to touch during the school trip later.)I flew the vaulting box. Up to stage 7 and 8 the other is there, fly over it did not really fly.Othello was. Helping you is easy on the teachers, without a lot of losing, I remember a lot of fun.
Playing the piano can not play properly, but was just noise, was very fun.
Playing with friends in elementary school, there was not a little. Also been invited, lying suitable, had been to go home.Alumni for me to play with, because it was very tiring. To a certain degree, I did want a child came to the house, as long as refusable declined.Because I wanted a place and time away from home and school, can be carefree.Children's Center, for me, now where a lot of fun. Unawares, now I go out to play even one person.There, but I felt just like a child is turned on (off friends) have gathered in Hamire each elementary school, I was feeling very comfortable.Without anyone touching me, had been freely and each is free.
Now playing with two older brother, though. Because if was often invited to be inspired, and it was hard to refuse Yappari, Children's Center also teachers, to come and play with their older brother and a rooftop.Brother can, it was easy. A small thing, you care about me enough. Me enough hand in hand.I hate it because it was holding hands is Desuga, and Furihodoi the hands of her demon, had been to grab the hem of his clothes. ,,, Unawares, and this Children's Center, will be worse and comfortable, no longer go.
Meanwhile, I found my secret place. That protects the temple was abandoned kitten abandoned dog on a volunteer basis.I am every day, in order to have let the dog walk, now attend. If there are no dog, I was waiting or cleaning the cat room.There was a day without a pet to come back even uncommon One day, however if we wait for the dog. Old woman of the temple, "Today is another, come tomorrow dog. Your way is also not likely to come back" and then.I want to wait a little more, and to carry on that spoiled, is considerably older brother was listening quietly in the next,"Then, come back to a dog,? Come to the house" and told me that.I,,, and, I hate, I thought. I have invited me much trouble but you know what it was no longer absolutely honestly rejoice.But grandmother says. "During the dog comes back, at a little nephew play with" and.I. . . . . . . . . . . . . Do not refuse. May refuse, it will be impossible.
Quite walk from the temple, we arrived at the apartment complex summary of the older brother.I remember clearly, the dress of the day. The best of green culottes.It was also very clothes off with a double button a lot of silver, even wear.
Not there room for everyone. Time of the evening was a dim room.With the electric brother, let me sit on the bed, drink something? Gave me to hear. I said I do not need.I wanted to believe. And do nothing. He and nothing happens.I wanted to believe it for some reason, the grandmother of the temple. Adults and not say a lie, and not that terrible.I wanted to believe the older brother. For people who come to the temple, to such a terrible thing, and not me or call.
But, brother sat next to me, my clothes began Nugase. Much makes me want to cry, my heart hurts.Why? Why? Even though I have not anything bad I can. . . No and why? ? Will become filled with such heart.
Button one by one, we will is removed. Best has been taken off. I was staring at the best was taken off.Hastily takes the breath of older brother to me. I became filled with feelings that want to cry.Button on the blouse which will be progressively removed. I was not wearing underwear is. Older brother is touching the breast, it will Tsukeyo mouth.My older brother was stopped. "Wait, I'm sorry, they are angry chime (at 5). When you hear I have to go back again."Brother has let me they want to. Without haste, without blame, usually went to learn in the failure of the repeat, that will listen to me.The older brother, "I also, bye-bye." He said to parting, and say things like.Because I did not want to leave a grudge. Scary when angered. If you are afraid to hurt. I would because I knew in my own way, to say that.
The way back home. I was over me like a strong hint."This road does not know" "I do not remember that room." "I do not remember the face of the older brother." . . And.Strongly. Strongly. To forget, to assume. Strongly, I went on repeat.To himself, was to forget all assumptions for the first time.I surely would not remember when you get back. They hate. To such strong emotions since it was spurred.People hate to hate! I hate to hurt someone! I do not want anyone grudge! Do not want to hate anyone! Such a bad feeling! ! Then you'd better forget everything. Because I thought so. Hate is hate. . . I was scared so why. Is to hate people, from very scared. . .I arrived home, not to be found in the mother, this dress was discarded. Also see and touch it, because it was unpleasant.
As an aside.I do not remember this apartment complex. I remember that place is, or was the room which I do not remember.Out from society, can not remember much of human faces and names. Since I saw several times, is finally feeling the heck am I supposed to remember.Yappari, no longer even go to the temple and this.
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The past few days, because they've worn out, reread, that could not be at all,,,,
"Green clothes"-this was "clothes"-was discarded for the first time-to-not found in the mother-,,,
> ② I-and-mother and amoebahttp://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10790952812.html
Please be so damaging to Thru-the moodBaba had loved, particularly, the third son, the youngest-And heart by nature is weakHole in the heart? I seems to have is
Seems to have been said • If you do not live up to the age of twenty-
So the grandmother-It is said that the third son, and not let me come-from school"Please let objection, does not attend. So to all schools, even though he dies, is this child in the class" and-grandmother,,,
My grandmother, is the third son.Either with or without you-also-also play study
You have been, the only love that> Because I thought, and die,,,
And flow-month is,,,
I-10 at the age ofGrandmother's home, and a fifth-grade yearAlong with the third son and his wife, had spent
Every day,,,The third son, and grandfather,,,> Had received sexual-abuse
When the body weight of about 44 km • The lean-to to about 38 km, the third son• In the face-was seen as "? Or blame it on me", the third son, I feel like crying
Anger-about-never felt so far was Wye,,,
My brother is on a daily basis-From the third son, grandfather andHad been beatenHad been beaten, sometimes, I also(Had eaten immediately, and get up and walk away-brother-is-the leftovers audience-audience-of-rice-Why did not)
Also (my older one) from the son of the eldest son of grandmotherWas supposed to undergo sexual abuse-a,,,
I,,, I wanted to go to facilitiesThat word,,, mother of· Mother's first-motherly love "to everyone you apart-Ya would be like that? 'S does it become such, and I'm also mother?" And mother? To,,, did not win
But,,, (laughsThis is,,,What was "(education, mother-grandmother) education" of Baba (mother of mother),,,,,,
I want to kill about Tabby,,, (laughs(Admittedly,,, "too much Ceylon,,, Ceylon",,, also "? Education? Say" In my grandmother's,,, but it is,,,)
> And amoeba-mother and I (Saru Categories)http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10815874793.htmlI bought a grave, my mother is,,,I will think about, and when he was junior and senior high school students,,,
Mother's is the brother-and-take me with (my father-ex-husband of the mother) father-in that timeI went to the temple-that-Been showing a grave that contains the name of my mother, I boughtBeen run through and into the temple-Please read aloud, was the chief priest is after us and after we
Somewhere-also that they are allowed, with these words (← · "naughty boy little older,,,, question at the time of years old, 10 have been written, towards the diary, past (where decided to go, since it was-the first time in several years-the,,,) "I do not wipe away-a,,,
> The mother-"I do not want to go" is a tell-it,,,Received, and did not want any more violence, such as word-of-motherI could not say ... "I do not want to go" absolutely "is" Why not go-I decided to go,,,
It was bad-mood is very,,,,
Very long-sutra of the priest is available,,,Us at the end even after sitting straight-numb and I both have been my father-brother other than the mother
Is the chief priest and after rising greetings · ·, where I thought (^ ^;;
> Feet is fallen asleep, as well (quite elderly and after) your priest
Again and again>,,,;;; ^ ^ (will fall
After going to help me-and-brother-and father-it (^ ^;;
Not go to the help-falling-over and over again>;;; ^ ^ (though we also foot numbness
Finally,,, (^ ^; I want to say to all jetted-in>;;
Your priest,,, a little? They were angry, but (^ ^;;
;; Did not stop>,,, I'm sorry,,,; ^ ^ (if you just once jet-Mo
But, thanks to that?
An-feeling negative feelings against this temple? Is
I had the chance, almost,,,
Thank you,,, ^ ^ (; our priest us>;;
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> Rotation of the head? Integration of thinking? ,,, I was the only or do you do,,, I do not remember,,,http://ameblo.jp/buraiai/entry-10686285575.html
Continued over-the-self-suggestion and> Do not know anything-I-> Do not know anything-I-> Not think anything-I-
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秘密の場所 （20060917）
クラスメイトの女の子に、児童センターに誘われて初めて遊びに行きました。
（ この女の子のことは、後に修学旅行の際に触れていくと思います。 ）
跳び箱を飛びました。７～８段までは飛べたのですが、それ以上がどうしても飛べませんでした。
オセロをしました。先生たちが手加減をしてくれたのか、負けることがあまりなく、とても楽しかったのを覚えています。
弾けないピアノを適当に弾いて、雑音ばかりでしたが、とても楽しかったです。
小学校の友達と遊ぶことは、ほとんどありませんでした。誘われても、適当なウソをついて、家に帰るようにしてました。
学友と遊ぶのは私にとって、とても疲れることでしたから。家に来たがる子もいましたが、断れる限り断りました。
学校や家を離れて、伸び伸び出来る場所や時間が欲しかったからです。
児童センターは私にとって、とても楽しい場所になりました。いつしか、私一人でも遊びに出かけるようになりました。
そこは、各小学校でハミレ（ 仲間ハズレ ）になっているような子供ばかりが集まっている感じでしたが、私にはとても居心地が良く感じられました。
誰もが私に触れずに、各々が自由で伸び伸びとしてました。
けれど２つ年上のおにいちゃんと遊ぶようになりました。誘われれば、やっぱり断りづらかったのと、児童センターの先生たちも、そのおにいちゃんと屋上で遊んでくるようにと促されることが多かったからです。
おにいちゃんは、優しかったです。小さなことに、気をつかってくれたり。手を繋いでくれたり。
ですが私は手を繋ぐのが嫌いだったので、おにちゃんの手を振りほどいて、彼の服の裾をつかむようにしてました。、、、いつしか、この児童センターも、居心地が悪くなり、行かなくなりました。
そんな中、私は私の秘密の場所を見つけました。ボランティアで捨て犬捨て猫を保護しているお寺でした。
私は毎日、犬の散歩をさせてもらうために、通うようになりました。犬がいないときは、猫の部屋を掃除したりして待ってました。
そんなある日、どんなに犬を待っても珍しく１匹も帰って来ない日がありました。するとお寺のおばあさんが、「 今日はもう、お帰り。犬は帰って来そうにないから、また明日おいで 」と。
私はもう少し待ちたいと、駄々をこねていると、隣でおとなしく聞いていたかなり年上のお兄ちゃんが、
「 じゃあ、犬が帰ってくるまで、家に来る？ 」と言ってくれました。
私は、嫌だな、、、と、思いました。せっかく誘ってくれているのは解っているのですが、どうしても素直に喜べなくなっていました。
けれどおばあさんは言います。「 犬が帰ってくる間、ちょっと遊んでおいで 」と。
私は。。。。。。。。。。。。。断れません。断ることが、出来なくなってしまうのです。
お寺からかなり歩いて、要約お兄ちゃんの団地に着きました。
この日の服装を、私ははっきりと覚えています。グリーンのキュロットにベスト。
シルバーのダブルボタンがたくさん付いた、着るのも脱ぐのも大変な服でした。
誰も居ない部屋。時刻は夕方の薄暗い部屋でした。
お兄ちゃんが電気をつけて、私をベッドに座らせて、何か飲む？と聞いてくれました。私は要らないと言いました。
信じていたかった。なにもしないと。なにも起こらないのだと。
お寺のおばあちゃんを、なぜだかとても信じたかったのです。大人はウソを言わないと、酷いことをしないと。
お兄ちゃんを信じたかったのです。お寺に来てる人が、そういう酷いことをするために、私を呼んだりしないと。
けれど、お兄ちゃんは私の横に座り、私の服を脱がせ始めました。泣きたくなるくらい、心が痛い。
どうして？なんで？私なにも悪い事してないのに。。。どうしてなの？？そんな心で一杯になってしまいます。
ボタンが一つ一つ、外されていきます。ベストが脱がされました。私は脱がされたベストを見つめていました。
お兄ちゃんの息が私にせわしなくかかります。私は泣きたい気持ちで一杯になりました。
ブラウスのボタンが外されていきます。下着はつけていなかったと思います。お兄ちゃんが胸を触り、口付けようとします。
私はおにいちゃんをとめました。「 待って、ごめんなさい、もう帰らなくっちゃ。（５時の）チャイムが鳴ったら怒られちゃう 」。
お兄ちゃんは、私のしたいようにさせてくれました。慌てなければ、責めなければ、大抵は私の言うことを聞いてくれることを、繰り返しの失敗の中で学んでいきました。
お兄ちゃんに、「 またね、バイバイ。 」と言う様な事を、別れ際に言いました。
遺恨を残したくなかったからです。怒らせたら怖い。傷つけたら怖い。と言うことを、私は私なりに知っていたからだと思います。
家の帰り道。私は私に強く暗示のようなものをかけました。
「 この道は知らない 」「 あの部屋は覚えていない 」「 私はお兄ちゃんの顔を覚えていない 」。。。と。
強く。強く。忘れるように、思い込むように。強く、繰り返し思い続けました。
初めて自分自身に、全てを忘れるように思い込みました。
覚えていたら私はきっと、仕返しをしてしまう。憎んでしまう。そんな強い感情に、駆り立てられたからです。
人を憎むのはイヤ！誰かを傷つけるのはイヤ！誰も恨みたくない！誰も憎みたくない！そんな感情はイヤ！！それなら、全てを忘れてしまった方がいい。そう思ったからです。憎むのはイヤ。。。なぜだかとても怖かった。人を憎むのが、とても怖かったから。。。
家に着いて、母に見つからないようにして、この服は捨てました。見るのも触るのも、嫌だったからです。
余談ですが。
私はこの団地を覚えていません。場所は覚えているのですが、どの部屋だったのかは覚えていません。
社会に出てからも、人の顔や名前を覚えることがあまり出来ません。何度か会ってから、ようやく覚えられる感じです。
そしてやっぱり、このお寺へも行かなくなりました。
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